I'm beginning to believe that with all the new revelations coming through I should be starting a new blog-site. Maybe I will. I stopped writing just about new books of mine being published because Life got in the way. It's a common hazard for a writer, especially challenging when it offers new opportunities, or rather alternative plot lines for books already in the making. Suddenly characters change their psyche, seek a different vocation, take an alternate path, become someone they weren't supposed to be ... or at least someone the reader didn't believe possible. But that's okay. It keeps the reader guessing. And that's good, especially if the author writes thrillers, and it means a new and very different kind of unexpected twist at the end.
Those who have kept up with the plot of my Life so far will be aware that five weeks ago today ... FIVE WEEKS!!!! It still seems such an incredibly short time! ... my husband sent me an email saying he wasn't coming home from London. I hadn't seen him since my birthday on 4 July. Then the email was closely followed by a text saying he wanted an 'amicable divorce' ... which doesn't in truth, exist. Why? Because he'd 'found' an Italian Lady, and for the future, speaks of making Italy his home.
In coming to collect his personal belongings, it was surreal ... like having one foot in the nightmare, the other in the dream. He acted just as if nothing had happened, treating me the same, taking me out shopping (earlier this year he wrote off my car) and then to lunch just as we might do on a Saturday, the only day he wasn't working in London (allegedly). His email had come completely out of the blue, no warning. It's only in looking back, that it's possible to pick up clues, like footprints leading to this act of betrayal and pain and a breakdown, a total collapse of the world I once knew.
This past week I feel this huge weight of emptiness and pain. Like grief, I am consumed, overwhelmed with emotion. Even the smallest thing becomes a big deal and takes up so much energy. But then, through the ether, came another text. I ignore them now. Keep my mobile off most of the time. It hurts too much, teetering on the edge. But I was waiting for a text to come from my daughter, and at first sight this one from him looked gobaldygook. Complete gibberish!! I thought on his words and half-decided he was drunk on a good bottle of red wine. But then slowly, the words unravelled. Doth he protest too much? And what exactly was he protesting about anyway? More research was required. As a writer of books steeped in history, it's something I'm particularly good at, and it didn't take long ... helped, I might add, by a quick dose of late TV News which clarified the situation. His original text read:
'Hope you are recovering from your breakdown xxx oh, and you won't find me in Ashleigh Madison hacked data I wasn't on it or any other site xxx'
The late night News Channel was agog, relating what was happening via the Ashley Madison website which had been hacked, details of married male clients seeking affairs (which is what the website offers) being released by those taking the morale high ground. Good for them! In truth, I now suspect I am one of many many victims. He would have found his Italian female liaison online through this website. Maybe others also. For a man wanting out of a relationship or marriage it seems the ideal opening, without a thought for the consequences of their actions. It could have been happening right under my nose, and for a long long while, stretching back to before Christmas. All those days and nights he could spare the time to be with me, his wife, waiting at home while he worked in London; were spent diving for his mobile in and out of his pocket every three seconds (I timed it!!) to check for incoming ... while late at night he remained on his computer as the dedicated wife waited for him to come to bed.
More fool me!
But then again, how is a wife supposed to know her husband is cheating on her, playing her for a fool?
How is a wife these days supposed to trust when the internet too easily offers open doors to hidden worlds, secret worlds, bringing affairs directly into our homes?
All pertinent questions. Each one relevant. I understand from latest news bulletins that divorce suits have risen from cheated wives as a direct result of this website. It's too easy for a husband to shift the blame, thinking up untold excuses, making the wife feel guilty. He grew bored with his marriage ... 'I arrive home to the same old ...' Over sixty years old, it's too easy for a husband to start roaming, seeking his lost youth, chasing after younger ladies, long legs, heels, slim-waisted, long thick hair with the ability to make him feel young again, energised, filled with renewed vigour, and a thirst for all those things he hasn't yet done with his life. And of course, the enticement for the lady of the story has to be the racing green sports car, the new slim-line male, the new bachelor pad ... and money!!
What might you do in the same situation?
As a wife who has given everything to this man she met over five years ago, almost six, who she married a mere two years ago next month ... it's all the more difficult when she can't find the on/off button to Love! But then again, slowly, as time passes moment by moment, and through the ether more shocks and surprises are uncloaked, it is possible for that Love to be nibbled slowly, painfully away, until only the crumbs of what was once solid and dependable and true are left.
What was meant to last forever becomes a forgotten dream.