LADY IN RED!!

Hello World,

This is just to share the brilliant news that miracles do happen and that 'happy ever after' do come true. On Friday 20th September this year, 2013, Tony and I married at Gretna Green: The Mill Forge, with a team who made every part of our time with them just that extra bit special.

It was a small gathering, but wonderful to have share the very special day with us my younger sister and her two boys, with girlfriend; together with my middle sister and her partner, and all the way from Armenia where she has been residing, my daughter and her partner 'H'. All the people I love most in all the world ... and my deepest sadness was that my parents who passed away some years ago could not physically be with us to see me finally happy and at peace.

The ceremony was at 10am, after which we left everyone to the prepared buffet in our wake and made a mad dash for the overnight ferry at Portsmouth. Our honeymoon was spent in La Rochelle, France, where we delighted in ambling through the little cobbled streets at the side of the harbour, enjoying whatever came.

We're still only just coming down to earth!

But then ... news in the writing world has suddenly set me on a different path, and already we are looking ahead to the future.

I will retain my maiden name for writing: JANINE HARRINGTON.

More news to follow ...

SUCCESS !!!!

Finally, in this my 60th year, I have created a mass positive out of what could be described as a series of life-changing events that could seriously have affected my life to the extent that I could no longer live with what happened to me. More than once I reached this point. More than once I considered seriously ending it all because I couldn't live with the pain. And yet, somehow, I survived. And more ... I reclaimed control from those who took it from me. It took me 60 years to do that. But now, for the first time EVER ... I am free and finally at peace with myself.

How did that come about?

Through the publication of the secrets of abuse and the control that ruled my life. Through sharing my experiences with others in the hope of letting them know they are not alone. If you share at any point in your life an abuse experience, more than anything else in the world, you need to know how to trust and to believe in yourself again.

This was my way.

And in this, my final book in a series of three, I have opened all the lids on all the black boxes filled to the brim with darkness and fear, shadows of the past that would not let me go ... Entitled:

FORBIDDEN SECRETS: understanding child sexual abuse.

It offers an understanding for anyone wanting to support someone in abuse, or who is currently struggling through the experience.

It remains a topical subject.

Always in the news, there are now big celebrity names associated with past crimes, of abuse of children ... taking away the innocence, preying on the vulnerable they knew would never tell.

This book isn't just about the victim and his or her experience. It is about survival, living in the aftermath while still carrying the pain, when control remains very much still a part of Life. It also shares the story of the offender, offering a different perspective. If we are not prepared to go to the heart, the core of abuse and learn to understand an offender's motivation and the way they lure us in, we can never hope to gain anything for the future except a queue of silent voices yearning to be heard, to be understood ... victims and survivors who cannot find the courage to tell or break control.

For me, this book represents a lifetime ambition to find the freedom to break free.

This is my 60th year.

It is also the year I marry again for the third time, after two past abusive marriages, and can look forward to finally finding that 'happy ever after' I dreamed as a child.

This series of three books is dedicated to all who suffer in silence. May you also find your freedom and peace.

TIME LAPSE

It is some time since I last visited here, but that doesn't mean I haven't been busy. I am just finishing the revised and updated editions of my very first publications from 1984, 1988 and 1989. The books formed a series of 3 books on the subject of abuse ... starting with my own experience as a battered wife, moving on to an advice book for those with abuse in the home, and ending with a book I was commissioned to write by Thorsons (now HarperCollins) in understanding child sexual abuse.

The issue of abuse is prevalent and very topical, especially now with the ongoing investigation of Jimmy Saville and his alleged abuse of young girls stretching back through time, together with other high profile celebrities who seem to have used their positions of power as a means of control.

Shame on them!

Listening to victims share their experiences, knowing these controllers are slowly being caught, coming to justice, perhaps serving time, coming to the public eye for a very different reason to how they began, still doesn't protect others, nor does it help us understand the how and why offenders commit child sexual abuse. I am hoping that by sharing my knowledge as Founder/Director of LIFELINE for almost ten years, working with families in abuse, including victim/survivors and perpetrator in and out of prison; as well as my role as an Abuse Consultant, leading teaching workshops with charities and professionals, my books will help and support victim survivors move on,  adopt coping strategies for the future, and aid the furtherment of child protection programmes.

These books are published through FeedARead.com.

Each book represents a very different aspect of abuse ... its invasive power and control of people's lives ... sharing lessons to be learned through personal experience.

Much of what these books say is shocking. I make no apology for this. It is a necessary part of learning what child sexual abuse particularly is about, and living in the aftermath as a survivor. The books also dig deep into the lives of perpetrators and their fantasies and the need to understand that they have an addiction. They cannot stop what they are doing. There are those few who are evil to the core. But the majority know the experience of having been violated and abused when young. And push that learning onto others usually at the same age when their own began.

These books answer the question: Why me? What is control? How does it continue long after the perpetrator is gone? Why do we keep it secret? What causes abuse to create a mindset and affect us for the rest of our lives? Very necessary and vital questions in learning about the subject as a whole.

A BRAVE NEW YEAR

2013 has kicked in with huge snowfalls and a mushy beginning. However, inside life is looking positive and rosy despite the absence of my loved one who has to go where the work is, and while I remain in the north, for five days a week he is now in London. It is far from an ideal scenario with all the sharing caring love and support the word Home has always brought to mind ... but for now it's the way it has to be. I'm not good at Home Alone. Fears kick in from the past. And the only way to move forward is to use the emotion and experience in my writing.

A new year is also a time to take account of what is and what is now and where you're going for the future.

This is my 60th year and I aim to prove that I can face a challenge.

For Christmas, my other half bought for me a flying lesson to be taken at some point. My aim is to take it around my birthday. But imagine ... little me! high up there in the bright blue yonder surrounded by fluffy clouds, at the controls of a small aircraft!! Not in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined that might happen. Turning 60 years old in July or not, it is certainly some achievement!

I have also just had my first thriller, originally published through FeedARead entitled: STONE COLD DEAD introducing Joe Maddison as an unlikely hero; being taken on by a new publisher: AUSTIN MACAULEY. I am absolutely thrilled. The contract was signed in the New Year ... and it's moving forward at a pace.

More news on this anon.

Meanwhile I have just completed my second historical thriller with Joe Maddison which my new publishers are interested in, and am now working on a third. I just love the way past continues to hold us and give us a real sense of who we are, what we are worth, stretching back through Time. It's a wonderful opportunity to start a different journey leading me into new areas of research where there is so much to discover and so many valuable lessons to be learned.

If only lessons at school had been this exciting!

A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

I would like to wish people everywhere a very special Christmas filled with all those gifts money cannot buy - giving, sharing, listening, supporting, caring, friendship, helping someone feel they are not alone and very very special ....

And a very happy New Year!

Always have a dream ... without a dream you don't have a star to reach for in a midnight sky.

And those of you who are travelling, stay safe, hold close to you those things which are most dear.

EXPERIENCE DEFINES WHO WE ARE!

It's been a while since I've posted on the Blog, but that doesn't mean nothing has been happening. Life never stands still. But this morning, unexpectedly came the question: 

WHO DEFINES THE PERSON THAT I AM?

Pause.

It's worth thinking for a moment and asking yourself the same question.

I came to the conclusion that, other than those born to superstars or super-rich, super-famous and Royalty, then it has to come down to Experience ... and in that I have a PhD! It's as if, since childhood, I have lived several lifetimes in the one. And looking back, I can't imagine being in those places now ... but then again I can. The memories are so vivid. If you climb through the portal there is still that aching wonder, that awful hurt, that stiflement (good word that!), which grabs hold and takes you back through the hall of memories. Like a hall of mirrors, you can see yourself reflected in so many different ways.

As a child, I was defined as 'The Cripple on the Street'. However much I tried to undo that definitiion or try to be otherwise, it didn't happen for me. And that period of my life ultimately remained fragmented, broken. Somehow I held on to the belief that I had been made this way for a reason ... there had to be a reason, please God, or else what was I doing on earth, having to live my life this way?

I guess my song recently published in the first ever issue of JESUS CHILD Christian magazine entitled JUST AS I AM sums up my feelings well. It was who I was at the time, coupled with the fact that Dad entered the ministry and became a Rev. And my label changed to 'Minister's Daughter'.

*   *   *   *

I became a battered girlfriend/battered wife. My life became even more fragmented and broken than it was in the beginning. At least then the pain had some relief ... escaping through the portals of books and writing and imaginary games where home was a castle, safe and secure, and nothing was as it seemed. Like magic it could all just disappear to some other place. But in domestic violence there was no respite. You clawed your way through each day, desperate to recognise danger signs and survive. It was an ongoing battle. And I became defined as 'The Battered Wife' Later, that definition resurfaced as my first books were published under SELF HELP/ABUSE and I moved on to become Founder/Director of LIFELINE, a new national UK charity working with families in abuse, and ultimately an Abuse Consultant specialising in Child Sexual Abuse.

*   *   *   *

Home has always been special.

Home has always been, rather than a place, where I am loved and respected and accepted for the person I really am without having to pretend. Mum and I became soulmates as I shared my past pain. She worked with me on LIFELINE when my parents came to live with me on retirement. And I had the privilege of having Mum not just as a birth mother, but also as a best friend, sharing the delights of womanhood, her past, and what defined her.

This came to mean all the more to me when I gave birth to the child I was told I could never have and recently a book including conversations you can have with a something-year-old was published through FeedARead.com, highlighting the joy of these years: DOLLY MIXTURES: The Magic of Childhood. Through my daughter, I became Child again .... an unfragmented child enjoying everything those golden years had to offer.

*   *   *   *

Through work in later years once Jo was grown up and left home, unexpectedly I took back on the role of A Person with Disabilities. It was an extraordinary feeling. Suddenly my strength lay in being able to teach others, to create a wider awareness of what disability really means on a day-by-day basis. As a Disability Co-ordinator in the Midlands I worked with a multitude of groups, undertook surveys, brought people together through self-help groups and Disability Road Shows. I wasn't afraid any more to be labelled disabled. And that was a huge hurdle overcome.

This year, in the Queen's Jubilee Year and the year when the Olympics and ParaOlympics came to London and the UK, I watched the strength of those athletes ... admired their strength of mind and courage ... that easily came across. In my growing years disability wasn't talked about. There was a swathe of silence that surrounded me. None of my questions were ever answered, not even when I went into hospital for the five unsuccessful experimental operations. I had no idea what was happening to me, much less be able to share the secrets presented to the child at that time from the age of four by an abusive specialist. It took me many tens of years before that secret surfaced and was addressed in BETRAYED, published by FeedARead.com in January this year. It was my way of taking back control from all those years ago.

*   *   *   *

The book BETRAYED brought me back full circle and put my house in order.

In February Tony and I became engaged. I can now adopt the definition of FIANCE, and look forward to our wedding day when not just my role but also my name changes again. I have never been so free or so happy. Home has come back to being where the heart is, at the point where Tony and I meet. Despite our financial struggles and my degenerative health problems, the layers of control fall away. I am free for the first time in my life to truly be the person I was always meant to be. At the same time, I can use all those crumpled feelings of the past in my writings ... which are now many and varied. Nothing is wasted or lost. For me still, the old adage still stands: out of every negative must come a positive, and the greater the negative, the greater that positive must be.

As I continue to publish books, I can define myself as an AUTHOR.

As I wait for another song to be published, I can define myself as a SONG WRITER.

I also have an article with the same magazine, defining me as WRITER

The walls of our home are decorated with my art, so I guess I can still claim the title ARTIST. 

Sadly my keyboard sits idle in a corner, and has done for some years, although I am a MUSICIAN. 

I have been SECRETARY of the RAF 100 Group Association for many years now.

I am also EDITOR of the RAF 100 Group magazine, which is a huge privilege and honour..

I remain a FIANCE until such time as Tony is back in work and we have enough to get married.

I remain a MOTHER and delight in hearing from my daughter who travels the world. I am so proud.

And finally, given my parents have passed on, I am the elder SISTER of three girls.

Next year will be my 60th birthday. I wonder what will be my dreams and aspirations then? And how might my definition of the person I am have changed?

Publications

Suddenly, I have a whole host of very varied publications coming out.

In the July 2012 issue of Writing Magazine I had my article entitled 'A LIFE JOURNEY' published, sharing the path I have taken through the years, stretching back to 1984 when my first book 'A Crying Game' led to the founding of LIFELINE. Completing the circle, and opening all the secrets of those years inbetween, Writing Magazine helped me to launch 'BETRAYED', which is a 'tell all' book, and brings to a close, finally, that chapter ... or book ... in my life. All the black boxes have now been opened, and been closed. And for the first time ever I feel a tremendous sense of closure.

In July I also had my first song published in Christian Magazine. I am still waiting to receive my complimentary copy. However, the editor assures me it sent in and has been welcomed. It was an unexpected achievement.

I also have a very special and personal book entitled DOLLY MIXTURES: the magic of childhood due out shortly. It is aimed at first time mothers and grandparents and all of us with firstborns who delight in those first crazy conversations we share with them as one, two and three year olds. It also includes many of the rhymes that became so well known in our own family at the time my little girl reached that age. It was such a joy to write such a book now, when my daughter aged 31 is just taking off around the world for the second time, trekking to faraway places, wanting to see different civilisations and ways of living and being firsthand. I am so proud of her and everything she has achieved. She too is a writer. She keeps a blog. But one day soon I hope to read a book she has had published about her experiences and adventures. In the meantime, this latest book is dedicated to her and the magic we shared.

And I have almost completed my second thriller UGLY TRUTH, BEAUTIFUL LIES, a historical mystery featuring again the unlikely hero Joe Maddison. It is a book which is writing itself, I'm just along for the ride. And there is always so much history, so much to learn, if only lessons had been this good in school!

Without even trying, the third thriller is already champing at the bit, pushing me to take notes, wanting its voice to be heard above the clamour of the characters of the one I'm writing now. I'm looking forward to it very much, but at the same time loathe to leave some of my old characters behind .... apart from the hero Joe Maddison, that is.

So ... lots happening, lots still to do.

Thank you to everyone who visits these pages. You are most welcome. I'd love to hear from you in person if you'd like to write me an email and share your own interest. I'm always open to new friendships ...